Changeology Clinic: The Psychology Behind Why "Starting Over" Is So Scary

In this episode of the Changeology podcast, I dive into one of the most common roadblocks when considering a major life or career change: the fear of “starting over.”

In today’s Changeology Clinic episode, I share a client case study about Emily, a respected professional in her field who’s facing burnout and the internal struggle of whether to leave behind the successful career she’s built. Emily is terrified of losing the respect, recognition, and financial stability she’s worked so hard to establish—but she also wants to explore something new. I discuss how this fear of starting from scratch holds people back and offer insights into how to reframe and overcome that fear.

If you've ever felt trapped in your current situation because of the fear that changing careers or life paths would mean starting from zero, this episode is for you. I provide coaching strategies to help you overcome this roadblock and embrace change with confidence. You’ll gain a new perspective on how to tackle this fear, reframe the idea of "starting over," and start moving forward toward meaningful change, no matter where you’re starting from.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

🌟 How your past experiences shape your perception of "starting over" and how to challenge these perceptions

🌟 Why naming and confronting our fears makes them less daunting

🌟Strategies for building self-efficacy and confidence when making big life changes

🌟 How to reframe the fear of starting over into an exciting new beginning

If you want Meg's support during your significant change, you can apply to work with her here.

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Transcript

If there is one thing that I hear from NEARLY ALL of my clients as well as from others who are considering major life or career changes, it’s this:

I don’t want to have to start over.

• I don’t want to have to go from being a respected expert in a certain field to being a complete novice in a new one.
• I don’t want to throw away all the time, energy, effort, and even money that it took to get me here, only to leave it all and do something else.
• I don’t want to have to start dating again.
• I don’t want to have to start over building community and friendships in a new town or country.
• I don’t want to have to start over at the bottom salary band.

The idea of starting over–especially if you are in middle life–can feel extremely daunting.

Today, I’d like to introduce you to Emily.

Emily is a VERY well respected professional in her very specialized industry. Frankly, she’s an expert, and VERY FEW HUMANS can do what she does on a daily basis. Emily spent years of her life training for this occupation, and decades of her life serving IN this occupation. Because of that, her position was extremely well-compensated and Emily was highly sought-after for training. But, after decades of being in this position, she starts to burn out. Yes, she’s good at her job, but she doesn’t necessarily want to do it for the rest of her life. 

But the MONEY. The RESPECT and RECOGNITION. Having to start all over doing something new–especially when she’s SO good at what she already does. How could she possibly choose to leave such a good thing behind and start over with something new? People would say she is crazy. She has an inner dialogue with herself that says she would be crazy to leave.

Maybe you can relate to Emily’s situation. Perhaps you even have additional considerations, like intense social pressure, familial expectations, etc.

This fear–the fear of having to start over–is probably the most common roadblock I see in people who WANT to make a big change but feel like they just CAN’T. 

It’s particularly common in certain professions like law, where you spend a lot of time, effort, and money learning and studying and testing and building your network–and when they FINALLY get that position that they thought they wanted all along, they HATE it. But they feel like they can’t even CONSIDER making a change because of the sunk costs of everything that they had done to get there.

So, now I’d like to share with you how I would coach Emily–or anyone else struggling with this problem–through this fear of having to start over.

1. Have you ever had to “start over” before? What  was that like for you? 

The purpose of this question is twofold. First, it helps me understand how Emily’s prior experience impacts her perception of her current situation. 

Sometimes people have had very bad experiences in the past where they felt like they had to start over. These experiences will very often shape how a person perceives the viability of making a significant change; if it went poorly for them before, that experience impacted their PERCEPTION of how the world operates. 

So it’s understandable that someone with a bad previous experience with “starting over” would fear that same thing happening again, and let that fear take over. 

This is especially true if they had no control over “starting over.” If they were displaced. If they were fired. If they experienced trauma or tragedy.

This is a simple question, but a very important one for me as a coach because knowing Emily’s previous experience with starting over will factor in to her perception, her cognitions (how she thinks about things), her emotions–all of which will have an impact on Emily’s readiness to move forward with a change. Even if she wants it SO BADLY, her prior experience could keep her stuck.

So, her previous experience is something I need to know as her coach.

The second purpose of this question is to allow Emily to reflect on her previous experience. I might additionally prompt her with a question like “How do you think that previous experience might be influencing how you perceive your current situation?” This draws her attention to HOW her prior experience might be skewing her current perception; it allows her to connect those dots. It won’t likely change how she perceived the past, but it could very well inspire her to think differently about this opportunity.

It also provides me the opportunity to listen and reflect back to Emily how she was able to overcome that challenging experience, and remind her of the growth that occurred as a result–because she literally may not be able to see it for herself. And that is one of the huge benefits of working with a coach–we all have our blind spots. 

1. What do you think (or fear) it would FEEL like to “start over”? What is the scariest part of that “starting over”? Why?

This question will help Emily identify and name her specific fears. As humans, we tend to be the most afraid of the big, nameless, shapeless things that lurk in the dark unknown, but when something has a form, has edges, has a definition, has a NAME–we can see it for what it is, and DEAL with it. 

The answer to this question would let me know what’s most important to her in her current situation, and where it falls in the hierarchy. Is the scariest part a social thing, like what their family would say or think? Maybe her colleagues’ opinions of her ? Or is it more of a logistical thing, like timelines or money? 

If it’s a social thing, we could coach around how to cultivate self-trust and confidence in your own decisions. If it’s about colleagues’ opinions, we might talk about boundaries a bit. If it’s a logistical thing, we can focus on making a realistic plan to account for it.

Let’s say that in this case, Emily is most concerned with the pay cut if she quit her job. This tells me that a crucial part of our coaching experience together would need to include some mindset work around money, as well as taking stock of her lifestyle, her expectations around money and earning, as well as creating a targeted plan to meet those needs. This could look a hundred different ways, from having a 3-5 year exit plan, OR using investments originally intended for something else to supplement her income as she starts a new career, etc.

It will be different for every client based on the nuances of their situation and where her primary concerns fall in the hierarchy of factors. Every client is different.

1. What resources are available to you RIGHT NOW that could help you land on your feet if you made this change? What skills, behaviors, habits, etc. do you already have in place to help you? What other skills, habits, behaviors would you need to develop to make this change successful? In other words, who will you have to become?

These questions will help me assess Emily’s level of self-efficacy, which is a psychological term used to describe her belief in her own ability to do something. 

• Or does she feel like she’ll never be as good at anything else as she is at her current job? (Low self-efficacy)
• Does she feel like with a little practice, she could get REALLY GOOD at something else? (High self-efficacy)

If she has high self-efficacy, simply identifying which skills/habits/behaviors she needs to focus on will give her a sense of direction, and allow her to focus and gather momentum from the feeling of “doing something, ” of moving TOWARD a goal.

If she doesn’t have high self-efficacy, this would be a major component of our coaching together. I’d help her identify small yet significant examples of when she has successfully executed a plan to achieve something hard in the past. There would be a ton more work around her self-efficacy, but that’s an example. 

Eventually, Emily will begin to REFRAME the fear of “starting over” into something else, something far less scary. 

So, to summarize, I would coach Emily to:

• Consider how her past experiences have shaped her PERCEPTION of “starting over,” and recognize or identify where those perceptions might be skewed as it relates to the desired change.
• Identify and name the underlying fear that “starting over” presents. Naming something gives it shape and form, which makes it less scary.
• Build her self-efficacy by identifying times in the past where she had successfully overcome big challenges or landed on her feet after the change; identify the specific habits, skills, and behaviors (i.e., the new identity she will have to take on) that will help her land on her feet.

As a result, within a few sessions, I’d expect Emily to begin to REFRAME the fear of “starting over” as being something entirely different–like embarking on a new, exciting chapter of her life. At minimum, I would expect that her fear, her perception about the desired change would become less scary and unpredictable than she currently believes it to be.

The truth is, that we are NEVER REALLY starting over. We carry with us all of our knowledge, and experience, and perspective, and connections with us when we move on to new things. There might be some loss involved in a big change, but keep in mind that you are never TRULY starting over. 

If any of this resonated with  you, or if you identify with ANY part of Emily’s story, or if you are ready to make that big move but you’re terrified of starting over–I invite you to learn more about coaching with me. When you submit an application to work with me 1:1, I’ll create a custom coaching program just for you. You can click the link in the show notes to learn more.